Is People-Pleasing Manipulation? Sort Of!

Originally published on Trauma Conscious.

Trigger warning: Discussion of child abuse and its effects.

There was a bit of a kerfuffle on Twitter not long ago around a topic too complex to effectively be discussed in bite-sized statements, can you believe it? This one started when someone relayed some wisdom from their therapist, who said that their people-pleasing behavior was a form of manipulation. While the author of this tweet seemed to find this helpful, others took exception to the idea that people-pleasers, who are very often traumatized individuals making use of a survival mechanism, are manipulative.

As a writer and English major, it’s incredible to watch so many online arguments sparked what is essentially semantics. In this case, the original tweeter and their therapist were likely using the word “manipulation” in a more neutral manner, while others reacted to the term as though it were purely negative. The word does have a negative connotation in general, with most people associating it with conscious and malicious intent.

Even without the maliciousness, no one like to be manipulated, and the idea that someone is doing this tends to make us uncomfortable, as does any suggestion that we are not in control of our lives and actions. However, humans engage in what could technically be called manipulation quite often.

Wikipedia lays out the psychological definition of manipulation as “subterfuge designed to influence or control another, usually in a manner which facilitates one’s personal aims.” While deceptive behavior is usually not ideal, it could be argued that this act could be used for good. Non-profits obliged to convince people to give them money for charitable causes use manipulative tactics all the time. The choice to use a Sarah McLachlan song and only the saddest footage of adorable animals was not a random one by the ASPCA, and it sure was effective. Tugging at people’s heart strings to influence them to do what the ASPCA wanted — donate money and adopt pets — seems to fit this definition of manipulation.

When it comes to people-pleasers, they may not be using their skills to raise money for sick puppies (most of the time), but their aims are not typically malicious, either. The act of people-pleasing is a survival mechanism often learned early in childhood by those trapped in abusive homes who are trying to endure chronic trauma. Often equated with “fawning,” people-pleasers attempt to constantly sooth the tempers of their abusers by appealing to their egos and convincing them that they don’t deserve the abuse. It tends to have mixed results at best, but can be the best or only option for kids who have no escape from their tormentors.

When sufferers of chronic trauma escape this situation, giving up this survival tactic is extremely difficult. Those with complex PTSD are constantly on high alert, unable to convince themselves that the danger is passed and expecting everyone else to treat them the way their abusers did for many years, possibly since birth. If they had no support system outside of the abusive home, especially in their formative years, they may simply have no idea how else to have a relationship with another person except to fawn.

This behavior places immediate survival over all other concerns — honesty and building a relationship based on trust comes at a distant second to convincing the other person not to hurt you by telling them what you think they want to hear. The truth is that people-pleasers lie, and I know, because I am one. The pull to say the words you think will make someone happy, even if you don’t believe in what you’re saying one bit, can be irresistible. It can feel like someone or something has hijacked your body and is moving your mouth and saying the words against your will, even as you’re aware that what you’re doing is unhealthy both for yourself and the relationship.

As is very often true in the case of complex creatures like human beings, multiple things can be true at the same time. It’s understandable that survivors of abuse would engage in behavior that is 100% meant to influence or control another without letting them know. People-pleasing is utilized to influence others to become less likely to hurt the people-pleaser. The target cannot know about this subterfuge, however, as it might enrage them. It’s a self-protective measure that a complex PTSD sufferer must work very hard to stop engaging in.

At the same time, it’s not untrue that this form of manipulation is still harmful. It’s harmful to the people-pleaser, to the target, and to the relationship between them. A relationship of any kind based on dishonesty and inauthenticity cannot be a healthy one, and the inability to form health relationships leaves the people-pleaser lonely, disconnected, and unable to learn how to trust. The pull to fawn also makes it very difficult to set and stick to healthy boundaries and can put us in dangerous situations.

We traumatized and mentally ill folks cannot be blamed for trying to survive, and we must take responsibility for our actions. These two truths may clash often, but that doesn’t make either one any less true.

A large part of the problem is that people with any kind of mental illness are often treated as a threat — dangerous, unstable, untrustworthy, manipulative, sinister, even inherently abusive ourselves — and this becomes more true the more severe the illness. Just ask anyone with narcissistic personality disorder or schizophrenia. As a result, we can be forgiven for acting defensively when we feel someone is painting us with a broad brush, especially with a term that has a generally negative connotation.

The tweeter’s therapist was likely trying to help their patient by pointing out something that is undeniably true — that people-pleasing behavior is ultimately harmful to the person they’re trying to flatter and to themself. You cannot manipulate your way into a healthy and connected relationship. You cannot build trust without allowing yourself to tell your whole truth. People-pleasing will inevitably push people away or keep a wall between you and them that can only be torn down by showing your whole authentic self.

Those who reacted badly to the tweet were likely trying to protect themselves from a world that lacks understanding about mental illness and trauma and treats victims with hostility, looking for any excuse to blame them for their own suffering.

The lesson that can be learned from this is for all of us to look out for the ways in which we attempt to manipulate people, however conscious we may be of the behavior, and to resist the urge to react to detected acts of manipulation against us before we consider the context. People-pleasers may be manipulative, but as usual, this hurts us more than others and leaves us exposed to harm from those who seek to exploit the fawning response from chronically traumatized individuals.

Be kind, be thoughtful, and be on Twitter less.